MOTHERS, DAUGHTERS AND MEN
How many moms have been single for years and finally stumbled upon the man of their dreams? A man you actually fell in love with, nurtured your spirit, was attractive and helped with finances.
How many of your daughters have stumbled and fell on top of or under that same man? Some people think that it is rare for a daughter to be interested in the same man as their mother, but it happens. Daughters with daddy issues, low self esteem, or low morals do this and actually believe it is ok to do so. They use the excuse that they are only seeking happiness, and they refuse to let that happiness go simply to please someone else’s ego. This way of thinking is all bad, all wrong. There are boundaries, ladies! A dear friend of mine had her boundaries stomped on because her daughter had major daddy, self-esteem, and moral issues. Her daughter did this with two of the men in her life.
My dear friend Vanessa, experienced this twice with her only child. The first man, Sam*, entered Vanessa’s life when her daughter, Christine, was 16 years old. Vanessa and Sam had been together for about a year when Sam asked if Vanessa was willing to move in with him. After giving it some thought and explaining to Sam that her daughter would come as well, as she was part of the package deal, Vanessa and Christine moved in with Sam. After Christine’s father had died, Vanessa never thought she would love again. Sam changed all of that.
As a stockbroker, Sam made good money and had an upscale lifestyle. He always got everything he wanted. As a single parent with a nursing career, Vanessa was happy to have her load lightened. She stopped working and began focusing on developing her online retail business. As time went on, she began encouraging Sam and Christine to start bonding and getting to know each other more. About a year into living together Vanessa encouraged Christine to go on a hike with Sam. Vanessa had to stay back due to a sprained ankle. Before they left, Vanessa asked Christine to change her very revealing Daisy Duke shorts, but Christine complained that it was hot and that she wouldn’t go if she had to change. Vanessa gave in and let it go.
After that hike Vanessa started to notice how Christine and Sam began spending lots of time in the family’s basement together. She just thought they were bonding; she thought it was great as Christine had never liked any of Vanessa’s previous boyfriends. She really felt Sam could actually be the one. He loved her and her daughter. However, there began to be times where they were in the basement and Vanessa would attempt to join them, but every time she did, they would distance themselves. At other times she heard strange noises coming from the basement but then when she made her way towards them, they would look completely innocent.
With time, Christine started to become very distant with Vanessa and seemed to be suffering from depression which kept her from leaving for college. Eventually, Christine got pregnant and an argument about abortion between Sam and Christine revealed that there had been an affair going on between them for at least a year and half. At first Sam denied it, but Christine had photos of them in her bed together when Vanessa was away for business or out for the day.
Vanessa went through a plethora of emotions. At that moment, she wanted to physically attack her daughter, but she realized, after a conversation with her mom, that if teenage boys were able to manipulate teenage girls into having sex with them, it was probably not that difficult for a 45-year-old man to manipulate her daughter.
In the end, Christine got an abortion, went to intense counseling for 6 months, and then went away to college. Sam got five years in prison for statutory rape. He did two and a half years in state prison and had to register as a sex offender which will follow him for the rest of his life. On top of that, he lost his trading license and his lifestyle.
Shortly before Christine graduated from college, Vanessa got engaged to a man named *Tony. Tony had been a friend of the family for as long as Vanessa could remember. He was her support system while she was getting over Sam. She had always had a crush on Tony but never made a move on him until now. She decided to go on a last-minute date with him to a work-related event when his date for the evening backed out. After that date, the two were inseparable; he was a true gentleman and showed her sides of himself that she’d never seen before. He was very affectionate and loving. He gave gifts and made up little songs to profess his love to her. He made her blush all the time. He kept her laughing and happy, but all that changed when Christine graduated from college and came home for the summer to take a break before she began her new job as a journalist for the local news station.
Vanessa was proud of Christine and let her know it everyday. Christine had come so far since her ordeal with Sam, but on the other hand, Christine resented her mom for breaking up her affair with Sam. She showed it all the time when she interacted with her mom. Christine would gaslight Vanessa about anything she didn’t like, which would lead to arguments that made Vanessa look weak and contentious to the untrained eye.
Even with a PhD in psychology, Tony couldn’t see how manipulative Christine was; he was blinded by her beauty, slowly able to understand how Sam got caught up in an affair with her. She was stunning with her ample hips, full lips, and tiny waistline. He secretly enjoyed looking at her; Vanessa noticed but was in denial. She thought Tony was a great guy and would never deceive her. He’d known her daughter since the day she was born.
In spite of Tony’s greatness and all the counseling Christine had been through, the nightmare happened again—this time it was even more humiliating. Vanessa’s sister caught Tony and Christine hand in hand checking into a hotel downtown where she was attending an event. She took a picture on her phone and sent it to Vanessa. Vanessa rushed down to the hotel in her sweats and a hoodie, found out which room they were in, marched right to the door and knocked as though she was the police. Christine answered the door without even asking who was there.
Vanessa thought she would react physically towards Christine, but her hurt was way deeper than that. She just stood there feeling helpless and hopeless, thinking she would actually die from a broken heart. She didn’t utter one word as Tony entered the front room of the suite asking if his food had arrived. Christine took off her engagement ring, handed it to Tony and then walked away. Tony looked dumb founded. He couldn’t talk, he just hung his head down in shame. He quickly gathered his things and ran after Vanessa to try and convince her that it wasn’t what it looked like. Once again, Christine got pregnant but eventually terminated the pregnancy and moved in with a friend. Vanessa went to counseling and has set boundaries for Christine for when/if she decides to speak to her again.
Christine went to psychotherapy and uncovered her father-issues and the fact that she’d been sexually abused by a few of the men that passed through her mother’s life after her father had passed away. Vanessa hasn’t spoken to Christine in several years but she was told by her family members that she had changed, and that she should hear Christina out.
What would you do if you caught your daughter with your man? Would you try to let it go and hold on to your relationship with her? Would you have to take some time to heal? What advice would you give to Vanessa? What advice would you give Christine?
Let us know thoughts and your responses may be published in Luxe Kurves next issue!
*Names have been changed.